Poor Judgement & Associated Adventures
by KuriQuinn
Summary: Let's be honest. A universe where Team 7 made it to ANBU would be a disaster. A series of Crack-ish AU one-shots. [Rated M for some language and mature humour. Written out of sequence.] [Marked as complete, but every now and then there may be another one-shot added]
1. II Poor Judgement

**Summary** **:** Let's be honest. A universe where Team 7 made it to ANBU would be a disaster.

 **Disclaimer:** This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 **All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016- )**

 **Rating:** T

 **Warning:** Mild OOC? They're characters that grew up differently than the canon, so a little bit of change in personality. **There is are OCs in this fic (Manako Inuzuka and Kakashi's children).** Don't like it, don't read (but I've had pretty positive feedback about them, so your loss).

 **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU

 **AN:** This 'verse started out as a one-time prompt on tumblr…and then I sort of kind of started building on to it. Now I add to it whenever the mood strikes me, so it'll probably be unfinished. Also, I don't upload chpaters in sequence, so with each update I'll make a note of what the reading order is.

* * *

"Why does your mission report smell like it's been soaked in ramen?"

It's a measure of just how tired Kakashi is that this is the first question out of his mouth. The three masked figures in front of him shift slightly, as if exchanging glances, and the one in the middle—the blond in the fox mask—chuckles, rubbing the back of his head.

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei—"

" _Lord_ Kakashi," the pink haired woman behind the lioness mask reminds.

"—I mean, Lord Kakashi. I was really hungry after the mission and couldn't wait to eat, so I _may_ have spilled a little broth on it while I was writing up the reports and—"

"I thought we had an agreement that you weren't allowed to write the reports anymore," Kakashi interrupts, pinching the bridge of his nose. "'Hawk'?"

"My fingers were broken at the time," the third member of the squad states unapologetically. Everyone in the room knows he dislikes writing mission reports.

"And 'Lioness'?"

"Was healing him," she answers.

"Yeah, that's not all you were doing…" 'Fox' sniggers.

 _WHAM!_

The blond suddenly finds himself intimately acquainted with the wall opposite Kakashi's desk; there is already a vast pattern of cracks in it from previous encounters. Lioness cracks her knuckles quietly, while Hawk discreetly moves two inches away from her.

"You can't keep doing this," Kakashi groans.

"I fail to see the problem," Hawk comments, crossing his arms. "We completed the mission."

"But not the way it was _supposed_ to be completed! And for the life of me, I can't understand why—it was an _easy_ mission! Escort our daimyo's daughter to Kiri to be married—"

"Well, she _did_ get married," Fox points out as he picks himself up off the ground.

"Not to the Kiri daimyo's son, though, which was what was _supposed_ to happen."

"Ew, he was like twelve," Lioness sniffs. "I would have run away, too."

"Be that as it may, you shouldn't have helped her."

"I did nothing of the sort! If Naru—if _Fox_ wrote that down, he made a mistake. He got hit in the head a lot."

"Yeah, by you…"

Lioness cracks her knuckles threateningly again and the blond young man shrinks.

Kakashi's eye twitches. "If you didn't help, then explain how an entire fleet of ships mysteriously sunk in the harbour at the _exact_ time that she disappeared, thus conveniently providing a distraction to keep her from being followed."

"Coincidence," Hawk says, at the same time Lioness says, "Mice."

Kakashi raises an eyebrow.

"Mice," Hawk corrects, at the same time Lioness suggests, "Coincidence."

"Coincidental mice," Fox concludes, nodding decisively.

Kakashi counts to ten in his head. "And if any of the dockworkers were to be asked if they had seen a few hundred figures in orange running around?"

"Then they were drinking, obviously," Lioness declares.

"And the only bridge from the island crumbling, thus keeping the daimyo's guards from hunting down the mercenary captain that absconded with the prospective bride? What was that?"

"Poor workmanship," Hawk determines.

Kakashi sighs, wishing very desperately for a drink. It's no wonder Tsunade was three sheets to the wind most days. "This diplomatic marriage was meant to strengthen ties between our two countries."

"It's all good, I promised the old guy signed copies of Master Jiraiya's books," Fox says, waving his hand. "Turns out he's a _huge_ fan."

"And his son was more than happy to learn Naru— _Fox's_ Sexy Jutsu," Lioness says, and from the disapproval in her voice he knows she's making a face behind her mask. "They're both going to be _way_ too busy to bother our daimyo for a while."

"Besides," Hawk points out, clearly attempting to return some level of maturity to the discussion. "Once we agreed to investigate the outskirts of town and deal with a problem of his, the daimyo was more than happy to forgive the change in plan."

"You lit an entire forest on fire."

"To be fair, it was an entire forest filled with a bunch of Orochimaru's forgotten experiments."

"People died."

"That's true. But they weren't very nice people."

"No, they weren't," Lioness agrees. "They were eating each other at that point, Lord Kakashi. There was no going back for them, and if they got out they would have hurt anyone in the surrounding area."

"We totally did everyone a favour," Fox declares, flashing a thumbs-up.

Kakashi looks at the three of them in turn, and then lets his head fall into his hands. "None of the other Hokage had to deal with this."

"Well, actually—"

"Don't, Lioness, just don't," Kakashi groans, straightening up. He jabs a finger at his former students. "Until I can figure out what to tell the council, the three of you are off-duty. Suspended. Not taking any missions."

"What?"

"No!"

"But Kakashi-sensei!"

"No buts," he snaps. "Until you can learn to go on a mission without…corrupting minors, or evaporating a lake, or demolishing a monastery into a new crater—"

"That was _one_ time—!"

"You know what? Forget suspended. You are all hereby on indefinite leave. You are not to come back to active duty until you've learned to control yourselves," he decides. "Hand in your masks and go think about your behaviour."

Like guilty children, the three of them silently remove their masks and place them on Kakashi's desk. As they leave, he hears Naruto mutter, "Aw man, that's the third time this month."

"Do you think any other ANBU get demoted as often as we do?" Sakura wonders.

"Tch. Doesn't matter," Sasuke says. "The next time some crazed lunatic is threatening the world or the moon, he'll be begging us to come back."

Kakashi lets his head fall onto his desk with a clunk, because nothing his former students have just said is false.

He wonders if it's too late to quit his job and go raise dogs somewhere.

終わり

* * *

 _Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site._

 **栗**


	2. III Kakashi's Troubles (The Real Boss)

**Summary:** Behind every great Kage is a partner that doesn't bother with the bull$#!%.

 **Warning:** Mild OOC? They're characters that grew up differently than the canon, so a little bit of change in personality. **There is are OCs in this fic (Manako Inuzuka and Kakashi's children)**. Don't like it, don't read (but I've had pretty positive feedback about them, so your loss).

 **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU

* * *

Kakashi arrives home three hours later than he usually does, retinas bloodshot and eyelids drooping. His jaw feels numb from the amount of times he had to clench his teeth today, and his arms might as well be lead weights for all the use they provide.

He doesn't bother using the door—the window's always open anyway—and when he gets inside, he barely gets a chance to note the room is empty of either expected occupant before he topples face first onto the futon. It's his default position these days, but it doesn't even matter because _being horizontal feels so good…_

Until something nudges him in the back.

He groans, either a complaint or a request to stop, but it doesn't help. Again, he is poked, this time near his ribs, and he sighs, forcing himself to turn over on his back and glower (well, he tries to, anyway, his facial muscles aren't exactly cooperating) at the offending toe, and the woman it is attached to.

His partner stares down at him, one eyebrow quirked in either amusement or concern. She is unselfconsciously nude but for a pair of boxers—his, he's pretty sure—and her dark hair haphazardly tied out of the reach of grabby fingers. The tiny pink lump of their youngest son is nestled into the crook of her neck.

"Are you alive?" she asks him, voice low so as not to wake Obito.

"No," he mumbles.

"Great, I get all your worldly possessions then," she says, nimbly climbing over him.

"You're heartless."

"No, I'm practical. I have four mouths to feed."

"Gai doesn't live here."

" _Three_ mouths to feed," she corrects, leaning over using one hand to help him remove his thick vest. Then, she arranges the baby on Kakashi's chest. In spite of his heavy arms, he reaches up to keep the infant steady.

"Any trouble getting him to go down?" he asks, wishing he could have been home in time to put his children to bed.

"With this one?" she snorts. "I think he'd sleep all day if it weren't for the other two poking and prodding him at all waking hours. I had to bring _them_ to one of the training grounds and let them run back and forth after each other until they passed out."

"Trade you…"

"For what, extra paperwork?"

"Yes."

"Not a chance in hell," she tells him unabashedly.

"Heh. That's what I figured."

She slowly peels his mask from his face, and the cool night hair hits his skin. "Isn't Shizune supposed to have all that organized for you?"

"She did. But there were…complications."

Manako snorts knowingly. "What did your three brats do this time?"

She likes to joke that his former genin team are his "other" family and she's their wicked stepmother. Which usually has him making some cheese remark about how 'wicked' she can be, and her to complain that his attempts at innuendo are horrible, before going on to prove his exact point.

At least, that's how it used to go. There's been a lot less of that since he became Hokage.

Naruto needs to hurry up and take over this stupid job.

"It's a long story," he says eventually, deciding his brain can't take thinking of his former genins' antics anymore today.

"Those three are about as subtle as a sock and a brick," Manako informs him with a shake of the head. "How the hell did they ever qualify for ANBU?" Kakashi's cheeks flood with colour and he busies himself with admiring his son's downy hair; Obito is the only one of their kids that takes after Manako's looks. His partner makes a _tch_ noise. "Let me rephrase my question: how did someone with such horrible judgement as you have ever become Hokage?"

"How did a miserable shrew like you become a Hokage's wife?" he counters.

"Fake wife. I'm pretty sure there was alcohol involved," she tells him seriously. "And maybe a trip to Tanzaku Town. I don't really remember."

"You and me both…"

"Either way, it's not legally binding. I can leave you anytime."

"Really."

"Yes. I just happen to like living in sin," she teases. "It gives the old gossips something to talk about, and pisses off all the traditionalists because their _revered_ Hokage has a dirty mistress."

"Whatever would I do without you to keep me grounded," Kakashi deadpans.

"Exactly. "So. Should I be preparing the village's explosive stocks for impending war with Kiri?"

"No. They fixed it in the end, but…" He trails off and sighs. "I had to fire them."

" _Again!?"_

Her exclamation makes Obito stir, grumbling in his sleep and pressing his cheek more closely into his father's chest. Kakashi takes a moment to observe him, a smile playing at his lips, and doesn't answer. Manako allows him this, and for a spell they just sit in silence.

She breaks it, however, with another snort. "Well, maybe this time you'll learn your lesson."

"Learn my—" Kakashi cuts himself off and shoots her a sharp look. "What's that supposed to mean? _They're_ the ones that have to get it together."

"No, Scarecrow, that'd be you,"

He's too tired to follow his partner's usual complex thought processes. "Explain."

"You basically have a group of teenagers that have already surpassed the Konoha's Legendary Sannin—teenagers whose judgement is worse than yours _and_ affected by stuff like hormones," she reminds him. "And, on top of that, unlike their predecessors, your brats really took that bell-test thing to heart. They _really_ do believe that the three of them are one. And while that makes them strong, it also makes them dangerous and irrational in the lengths they'll go to keep each other safe. Not exactly best suited for wimpy ANBU missions."

"ANBU is wimpy now?" he prompts, amused and grateful for her candour.

"You know what I mean. Stealth isn't something they do well, unless you split them up; otherwise, they just feed off each other. Sasuke and Naruto still compete as much as they ever did when they were kids, only now they can level an entire mountain fighting it out and Sakura can do that by herself. And other than that, she's the boss—the guys will never do anything against her wishes. Sasuke would burn down the world if something happened to the other two, and Naruto would probably let himself be flayed alive to ensure nothing _did_. And you're too damn blinded by how much you love them that you're trying to keep them close," she concludes, and her expression softens a bit. "They're adults now, babe. They can function outside of their little three-man squad. It doesn't mean they're going to get too old for you."

And, as usual, somehow his partner has hit the heart of the matter. He doesn't feel like admitting it, though.

"Alright then, _Oh Wise One_ ," he drawls, "what would you suggest?"

"Leave stealth to Sasuke, diplomacy to Sakura and have Naruto keep the home front safe. He's got to get used to staying behind anyway once he takes over from you."

"Assuming he doesn't get himself killed before then," Kakashi sighs. "Are you _sure_ you don't want to be Hokage? You'd be better at it."

"Are you kidding? And give up my carefree life of spit-up and runny diapers?" Manako gasps in mock horror. "I couldn't _possibly_ trade that in for hours of paper work and sitting in a chair…" She adopts a smug smile. "At least I still get to blow things up occasionally."

Kakashi scowls. "You know, for a fake wife, you're not great at offering comfort. I should just drown my cares in alcohol."

"Careful. That kind of thinking is what landed you with a fake wife in the first place."

"Don't remind me," he says lightly. "Times like this, I think I ended up with the wrong Inuzuka."

"Well, Kiba doesn't swing that way, and honestly, you never had a chance with Hana. She'd insist on you put a ring on it," Manako says easily. "Besides, she has something I don't."

"What's that?"

"Standards," she replies, leaning over him and kissing him lightly.

She begins to pull away, but Kakashi wrangles his free hand upward, tangling it in her hair and keeping her close. She makes a surprised noise, which turns into amused approval as he deepens the kiss, tugging at her bottom lip until she allows his tongue entrance.

Despite his exhaustion, he thinks he might actually be able to summon some energy for _this_ , but then Manako pulls away.

"I've got to put him in his bassinet," she reminds Kakashi when he makes a noise of protest, and then lifts the tiny body off his chest. There's logic in this, he knows, but he wishes she'd hurry up about it.

It appears his mental demands are to go unanswered, when she straightens up and pauses.

"Hold that thought," she groans. "I think one of our monsters climbed out of his crib."

He doesn't question her; her hearing is better than any baby monitor.

"I thought you said you tired them out," Kakashi grumbles.

"Demons don't tire out, they just bide their time," Manako says seriously, climbing off the bed and heading out of the room.

Kakashi sighs at his ceiling, wondering when this became his life.

And thanking whatever gods exist that it did.

終わり

* * *

Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site.

 **栗**


	3. VI Why Sasuke Will Never Drink Again

**Summary:** One of Konoha's best kept secrets is no longer a secret.

 **Warning:** Mild OOC? They're characters that grew up differently than the canon, so a little bit of change in personality. **Mentions of OCs (Manako Inuzuka)**

 **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU

* * *

"This," Sasuke says, "is ridiculous."

"No, this is genius," Naruto retorts. "And long overdue. You're back for the first time in two years— _with a secret baby you didn't tell anyone about—"_

"Because you wouldn't have overreacted about it at all," Sai interjects.

"—and I finally have a night off from learning all the most boring Hokage crap—"

"Ahem," Kakashi cough as he carefully pours several shot glasses full of the strongest _nihonshu_ that Tsunade ever hid in the Hokage's office. He still keeps it around for days when his choices are between getting blind drunk or committing homicide.

Usually because of the three other men in the room with him and their female teammate.

"—and our lovely wives are catching Sakura up on two years of gossip—"

Sasuke rolls his eyes. "It wasn't two years, idiot."

"—so we are going to spend the night doing manly bonding stuff," Naruto concludes.

"Which apparently involves copious amounts of alcohol."

"Damn straight."

"Why am I here?" Sai asks. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity that I don't need 'manly bonding stuff'."

Kakashi raises an eyebrow at him. "Did you just use air quotes?"

"Did I not do it properly?"

"No, you did. It's just…weird."

"Noted."

"I'm going home," Sasuke sighs and heads toward the door. "Kakashi, I'll be back to give you my report tomorrow, when you're not surrounded by morons."

"Hm, it appears what Sakura told Ino was true," Sai remarks innocently.

"Huh. Looks like," Naruto agrees, also affecting a casual tone of voice.

"I never would have believed it," Kakashi concludes, and Sasuke can practically hear him shaking his head.

He stops, mid-step, and his eyes drift closed in resignation. Every brain cell he was ever given tells him to ignore it. People have goaded him with worse in the past and he has learned not to rise to the bait.

However—

It's Naruto. And an insinuation by Naruto does not go unanswered, for any reason.

"What has my wife been saying?" Sasuke asks, not turning around and trying to keep his tone carefully measured.

"Only that your alcohol tolerance is worse than Lee's," his oldest friend concludes happily. "And here I was going to give you a chance to prove that was just a lie…"

Sasuke's jaw clenches, hearing the challenge in Naruto's voice, and he really should just keep going.

Of course, that's not what he does.

Whirling around he marches towards the filled shot glasses and reaches for one, intending to throw it down his throat just to prove he isn't worried about it.

Naruto stops him.

"Hey-hey, hold on, you're not just gonna chug them!" he protests. "Where's the fun in that?"

"Ah, is this where the 'manly bonding stuff' comes in?" Sai inquires. "I assume you have some kind of drinking game in mind, then?"

"Not happening," Sasuke declares, although he doesn't return on his path to the door.

"Kiba showed it to me," Naruto says cheerfully. "It's called 'Never Have I Ever'."

"Oh, this is going to go well," Kakashi gives a resigned sigh.

"The rules are easy! Someone confesses something they have never done, and the other people who _have_ done that thing all have to take a shot," Naruto explains.

"And the point of this is…?" Sasuke asks.

"To see who passes out drunk first," Sai says.

"And manly bonding," Naruto adds.

"I'm going home," Sasuke says.

"I can assign you cat retrieval missions from now until Sarada enters the Academy," Kakashi points out innocently.

Sasuke glares and takes a seat in front of the desk where several shot glasses are just waiting to be consumed.

"Very well, I will go first," Sai declares, considering for a moment. Then he beams. "I have never sung karaoke."

Naruto throws back a shot, and Kakashi sighs before doing the same.

"Really?" Sai asks.

"It was one of Gai's tamer challenges," Kakashi says, which explains it all. He side-eyes his former students. "Never have I ever snuck into a movie."

Naruto and Sasuke exchange glances and down their drinks.

"Why would you bother doing that?" Sai wants to know.

"We were thirteen," Naruto explains. "And technically we paid. But sitting on the ceiling wasn't exactly allowed, so we had to sneak in."

"But…why?"

"Training," Sasuke answers shortly, and then smirks at Naruto. He nods at one of the shots in front of him. "I have never accidentally set myself on fire."

Naruto glares, but reaches for the drink nonetheless. "That was once."

"It still happened."

"Yeah, well _I_ never set someone on fire on purpose."

Sasuke snorts but reaches for his drink without outward complaint. Kakashi takes a drink as well.

 _Through that damned mask, as usual. I guess it's a good thing you're not supposed to taste the alcohol anyhow…_

Sasuke's eye twitches as the liquor burns its way down his throat, and he wonders if it's possible to learn to speed up one's metabolism in a matter of minutes. He knows kunoichi are taught that trick in the Academy and makes a mental note to ask Sakura about it later.

As for now, he is going to have to play this ridiculous game in a manner that gets his friends inebriated before he hits his limit.

 _Sakura is going to pay for mentioning this…_

"Never have I ever…" Sai begins, and then says brightly, "urinated in the shower."

Kakashi groans in disgust and Sasuke casually tells him, "There is something deeply wrong with you." When Naruto turns red and takes a shot, he adds, "And in your case, that goes without saying."

"I blame dealing with your bullshit," Naruto shoots back.

"Now, now, let's think of happier things," Kakashi lectures in a mocking tone. "For example, the fact that _I_ have never been beaten up by an ostrich."

Sai sniggers as Naruto and Sasuke adopt identical beleaguered expressions and throw back their respective shots.

"Why are you guys picking on me?" Naruto complains, wiping his mouth.

"It's not our fault you've done pretty much every idiotic thing under the sun," Sasuke retorts, having to concentrate on enunciating his words. His cheeks feel a little warmer than usual, too. "Unlike _you_ , I've never graffitied public property."

Naruto reaches for the next shot and sneers at Sasuke, "Yeah, but at least I've never been to prison. That's pretty idiotic."

Sasuke chooses not to reply to that, mostly because he still retains enough of his (ever-lessening) judgement to know that picking a fight while under the influence of alcohol would be a bad idea.

Also, he's pretty sure that Sakura would kill him. And Hinata would give him that disappointed look, the one that always makes him feel like he's kicked a puppy.

In deference of a wife with super-strength and not facing any kicked-puppy expressions from the mouse of a woman that could conceivably kill him with two fingers if she felt the inclination, Sasuke lets it go.

This time.

"My turn," Sai pipes up. "I have never streaked naked through the village."

Sasuke glances at Naruto, half-expecting him to take a drink, but the blond man simply looks amused at the idea. To everyone's surprise, Kakashi takes a drink.

Naruto guffaws and Sasuke raises an eyebrow at him. "Another of Gai's contests?"

"Yes."

"Clearly Naruto isn't the only one with tendencies toward poor judgement," Sai determines.

"Oh, I wouldn't call it poor," Kakashi muses, "it was actually quite liberating. You'd be surprised how good it feels to have a breeze between your—"

"Nope! Uh-uh, don't want to know! Stop talking!" Naruto yells, while Sasuke's eye begins to twitch again. "It's your turn anyhow, Kakashi-sensei."

The white-haired man sighs. "Are you guys ever going to stop calling me _sensei_? I haven't been your squad leader since you were kids."

"If it helps, I never called you sensei," Sasuke points out. Then he frowns, because that was a little more candid than usual. His head is beginning to feel like it's being buoyed up by cotton. Why did he think this was a good idea again?

Kakashi regards him with an amused look in his eyes, and shakes his head. Then he juts his neck toward Sai, "Never have I have crossed-dressed.

Sai blinks. "How did you know about that?"

"Manako saw you. She says you're surprisingly adept at walking in high heels."

"Ino makes me practice," Sai shrugs, throwing his drink down his throat.

" _Why_?" Naruto demands, looking scandalised.

Sai smirks. "Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it?"

"At least he's finally had something to drink," Sasuke mutters.

"Why, are you worried you'll be the only one inebriated here, Coward?"

Sasuke narrows his eyes. "Never have I ever been part of a secret black ops organization."

Sai frowns and takes a shot; Kakashi does as well.

"Can we perhaps stay away from the darker topics?" he suggests.

"Good idea," Naruto says. He pauses to think, and frowns as if he can't think up anything good. In the end he settles on, "I have never sung in the shower."

Kakashi and Sai both drink.

"Did you even know what a shower was before marrying Hinata?" Sasuke challenges.

"At least I knew what a naked woman looked like before I got married."

"Oh, have we moved on to nudity then?" Sai speaks up, interrupting Sasuke's inner argument about whether to throw a fireball at his friend or electrocute him. "I have never engaged in naked pursuits with a woman that is not my wife."

"'Naked pursuits'?" Naruto asks.

"Sex, you moron," Sasuke rolls his eyes.

"Oh. _Oh_."

Kakashi reaches for a shot. When he notices Naruto and Sasuke's somewhat judgemental expressions he snorts.

"I wasn't a monk before I met you guys, you know. Not all of us can have some great, epic love story that spans years and continents, or ruins lives and sheds blood. Sometimes a good relationship starts out just as sex," he takes a drink, and then looks around as if he hasn't just imparted some oddly deep philosophy. "My turn, right? Alright— _my_ first kiss wasn't with a man."

Naruto and Sasuke make identical noises of choked outrage and grudgingly down their shots.

"I heard about that," Sai sniggers. "Ino says it nearly caused a riot and that Naruto is lucky to have lived through puberty."

"Damn right he is," Sasuke mutters.

"Your turn, my adorable student," Kakashi points out.

"I'm thinking…"

"Oh, wow, only five shots and you already have to _think_?" Naruto jeers.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't counting drinks invalidate things somehow?" Sai wonders. "Or does that just mean you haven't had enough?"

"Shut up. I have one," Sasuke interrupts, an idea coming to him before he can think too clearly about what his former teacher just said. "I have never read porn."

"There's a difference between porn and erotica," Kakashi grumbles, although he takes a shot; Naruto and Sai do as well.

"Semantics. It's still something closet perverts like you three do."

"That was research—and it paid off!" Naruto points out. "Remember the time my Reverse Harem Jutsu almost saved the world?"

"And how many naked men did you have to look at to get that one right?" Sai wonders. "At least when I've watched porn, it's been women."

"Your wife lets you watch porn?" Sasuke asks, squinting at the other man. For some reason that doesn't jive with what he knows of Ino.

"Hey! I've got the next one!" Naruto shouts as he refills their shot glasses. "Never have I ever watched porn _with someone else_!"

Sasuke shudders at the idea of _that_ brand of awkwardness, and to his utter lack of surprise, both Kakashi and Sai drink.

"It was for educational purposes," Sai says unabashedly, while Kakashi shrugs, "It's really not a big deal."

"Please tell me this was with your wives and not some random dude you decided to watch porn with," Naruto groans.

"No," Sasuke interrupts. "Don't. Don't tell us anything. Ever. Just…take your damn turn and move on."

 _I'm going home. As soon as my feet don't feel like bubbles, I am leaving…_

"I have never had sex with more than one person at a time," Sai declares.

Sasuke groans inwardly; he should have known they weren't going to leave the topic of sex alone once it had been broached.

This is about to take a turn for the awkward.

Again, Kakashi takes a drink.

"Really?" Naruto looks scandalised and fascinated. "Was it with two girls, or a guy and a girl?"

"Gentlemen don't kiss and tell," Kakashi says mysteriously.

"Gentlemen don't play stupid drinking games," Sasuke points out.

Kakashi raises an eyebrow at this, and then says innocently, "I've never had sex outdoors."

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

The other two watch him in expectation, as if waiting for him to outright lie. It occurs to Sasuke that playing this game with a bunch of shinobi wasn't a good idea. Even if he wanted to lie about something, they'd be able to tell.

Aware of the warmth in his cheeks, he reaches for his drink, pointing out as he does, "That's common knowledge."

"It still counts."

"Fine. I've never had my child walk in _during_."

Mostly because Sarada is a long time away from walking, but it's something he figures must have happened to his sensei at some point. He's got three kids past the toddling age.

As expected, Kakashi has to take a drink, and Sasuke basks in a momentary sense of victory.

Until Naruto laughingly shouts, "Oh, hey, I got one! I got one! Never have I ever… _done butt stuff during sex!"_

And Sasuke promptly chokes on his own spit.

Because no, no, _no_ , that is not something he ever expected to be brought up here.

Naruto is smirking a challenge at Kakashi, like he figures learning one or two perverted things about his former teacher have given him total insight into how to get his sensei drunk.

Kakashi takes a drink, and then crosses his arms (his attempt to look unbothered is tempered by his pink cheeks). "I'm not ashamed. My sex life is amazing."

Naruto gapes. "No way! That was totally a joke, I didn't think—" He is interrupted as Sai cheerfully takes a shot as well. " _Ehhhh?! You too?"_

"Don't knock it until you try it," Sai says. "It's actually an interesting sensation when experienced in conjunction with—"

 _And that's my cue—_

Sasuke wobbles to his feet. "I don't need to know any of this. I'm leaving."

"After all that ridiculousness, _this_ is your limit?" Kakashi challenges, a knowing tone in his voice. Sasuke continues making a dogged beeline to the door. "Huh. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to avoid another shot, Sasuke."

"Hahaha!" Naruto sniggers. "No way."

 _Just a few more steps…_

"Sasuke would never be into that sort of thing, he's way too boring," Naruto continues. "Remember, we had to practically tell him what sex _was_ before he got married…"

 _Almost there…_

"As I recall, he had a very interesting reaction to certain topics that night," Sai points out. "Particularly when we asked him the sort of things he had done with Sakura already. His neck used to get very red. A bit like what's happening right now."

 _Just reach out and grab the door –_

"No way," Naruto murmurs blandly. "No fucking way."

"I did not see that coming," Kakashi says, sounding too surprised to be teasing.

"You mean Sasuke Uchiha took it up the ass?!" Naruto shouts.

Sasuke turns around, glaring daggers at this friend. "Shout it a little louder, you utter moron!"

There is silence.

Naruto's jaw drops, and the other two are blinking in surprise. The tableau would be funny if it weren't for the fact that Sasuke has realised his usual perfect control over his emotions have just caused him to confirm the one thing he _did not_ want to confirm.

 _Shit._

"But wait…if you've never been with anyone you weren't married to, that would mean…" Sai begins.

"Don't finish that sentence," Sasuke warns.

"Sakura," Sai concludes.

"So she used a…?" Kakashi makes a lewd gesture.

"I did not need to know that about Sakura," Naruto murmurs, shuddering. "Oh, gods, I just got a mental image—oh my god, somebody scramble my brains, please!"

"That can be arranged," Sasuke growls, feeling electricity beginning to crackle in his palm.

"Aaaaand I'm calling an executive order to end tonight," Kakashi says, staggering to his feet. "By order of the Hokage, blah blah blah, you are all to go home and sober up. And no murders while in the Konoha environs."

" _Seriously?!"_ Naruto squeaks at Sasuke, still apparently struggling with the concept.

"If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'm taking off an arm," Sasuke hisses, taking a menacing step forward. "Or a leg. Probably a leg. Think how ridiculous you'll look, hopping around on one leg. Then you'll never be Hokage."

"And that's how we know Sasuke is drunk, gentlemen," Kakashi says. "Rambling death threats. I think we can call tonight a success, don't you?"

"We should do it again some time," Sai agrees.

"I'm leaving," Sasuke grumbles. "I'm taking a mission to the middle of fucking nowhere and never coming back. And I'm telling my wife it's your fault, and she's going to kill you all for me. I won't even have to get my hands dirty."

Kakashi chuckles. "I suppose I should make sure you get home alright and don't end up walking into a tree."

" _Tch_."

He stalks off, wobbling and angry and wondering if it's worth the headache to use a portal to get home.

"So, is this butt-sex thing something I'm missing out on?" he hears Naruto asks Sai, and then he sees red.

With a snarl of rage, Sasuke whirls around and makes a dive for Naruto's neck.

終わり

* * *

 _Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps!_

 **栗**


	4. IV Just Desserts

**Author's Note:** Yeah. I did that. Another update within little over a week. I was just so excited about startign to post my original writing that I suddenly got inspired! As usual, pretty unedited. This is for everyone who wanted a bit of Adult!Sakura awesomeness. With some Adult!Hinata awesomeness too, because I love the supermoms! Also, um, **little bit of graphic violence here**.

* * *

Blackened bodies line the floor of the stone-enclosed rotunda, gaping holes where their hearts should be, and shrivelled remains of those organs crushed nearby.

Konohamaru flips the last of his opponents over his shoulder, directly in the path of Hinata, who shoves two fingers forward and detonates the chakra surrounding its heart. The bat-like creature screams, wings shaking, and then drops to the floor.

"Think that's all of them?" he asks, glancing at the two women.

The ground shakes again, forcing them to center their chakra against the floor to keep upright. There is a movement across from them, and then it seems as if the entire rocky wall in front of them, from ground to ceiling, suddenly breaks off.

Hateful yellow eyes glare down on them from on high, and a giant foot steps down, landing several metres away from them.

Konohamaru groans. "I had to ask, didn't I?"

Sakura sighs. "There's always a big one, isn't there?"

The veins in Hinata's eyes pulse, and her pupils flick back and forth quickly.

"There's more than one seal on this one!"

Which makes sense, considering its size.

"How many?" Konohamaru asks through gritted teeth as another foot stomps down, forcing giant craters into the floor beneath its clawed toes. Drools drips from the creatures maw, splashing over them.

"Eight!"

"Eight—like the Eight Gates?" Sakura cries, thinking fast. Everyone knows the location of those, if only from study.

"Exactly!"

The giant, shambling creature reaches down, trying to grasp hold of them in its mottled blood red hand. The shinobi scatter in different directions, but it almost grabs hold of Hinata. The curse-seal seems to make it faster than something of its size should be.

It swings for Sakura next, and she meets the blow with a snarl, punching its grasping hand away. It does not seem bothered by the blow, and once again goes for Hinata.

It specifically seems to be targeting the women, perhaps knowing that they are the key to its destruction. The constant flailing makes the ground shake and granite fall from above them, and in the distance, Konohamaru can hear _something_ collapse together.

 _It might be durable, but it's hindered by this place. If it keeps moving around like this, it will bring the place down!_

Which might not hurt it, but it could cause cave-ins elsewhere, and hurt his students and their parents. If only there was—

An idea occurs to him.

"Mrs Boss! Did Boruto ever tell you how his class passed their Academy final?"

Hinata and Sakura's eyes flick toward each other in a look of dawning comprehension.

"We need to confuse it first, so it doesn't know who to get to," Hinata says.

Sakura nods. "Alright, Konohamaru—we'll follow your lead on this one!"

"Right! _Kage Bunshin!"_

Four clones of him appear—the maximum he can sustain while also having them use any long-term A-rank techniques—and at the same the two women form hand signs for _Henge_.

Seven Konohamarus scatter as the curse-seal creature brings down its hand, raking across the stone ground. They spread out in a circle around the beast, and it tosses its head in frustration trying to decide who to go after first.

Using its momentary pause, the seven figures form their next bevvy of hand signs, and call out, " _Isshi Tojin!"_

A swirling seal formula radiates from all seven points, reaching to the edges of the circular room. Within the string light formation, the creature freezes, unable to move beyond it.

"Hinata!" the Konohamaru copy across the room suddenly says. "I have an idea, if you're game! But it could get messy!"

"Everything is already messy," the Konohamaru-copy to its right says.

"Konohamaru! Can you keep the circle together on your own for a few seconds?"

"As long as it's only a _few_ seconds," Konohamaru and his clones chorus.

"Alright then!" the clone that is Sakura says. "And… _now!"_

The copy beside her breaks in to a run, the sealing circle around it vanishing as it darts forward. Konohamaru grunts, feeling as if a heavy weight has been added to an already difficult burden, but holds tight.

Sakura maintains her own part of the seal until the last possible second, before letting go—Konohamaru snarls in effort as the weight doubles—and grabbing hold of the clone. At her touch, the transformation is undone the women revert to their normal forms. Sakura crouches, grabbing Hinata's around the left bicep and right thigh, and then propels her toward the giant.

In midair, twin lions flare to life as Hinata barrels to the creatures middle. As Hinata pierces through its abdomen, Sakura takes her position once more in the sealing circle.

Konohamaru shudders, still struggling under the weight of the jutsu, but then Sakura is focussing her chakra, taking much of the burden off of him.

The beast's back arches, and they can see frenzied, jagged movements beneath its leather skin—Hinata using her _Jūho Sōshiken_ from _inside._ Within seconds, blue flames burst from its abdomen and Hinata lands on the ground in a rain of black blood and viscera.

"I got three," she says grimly, spitting out blood.

Konohamaru and Sakura allow the _Isshi Tojin_ to break, and Sakura darts forward as the beast falls, knees folding beneath it and screaming in agony. Leaping through the air, she yells— _"SHANNARO!"_ —and slams two fists directly into its head, sending shards of bone into its eyes and brain.

 _That's two more,_ Konohamaru counts, leaping up onto the creature's chest and snarling, _"Doton: Doryuso!"_

Giant spikes of earth punch through the earth beneath them, puncturing it just above the abdomen and through the ribs.

"Did I get them all?" he demands, even as the creature continues to stir beneath them.

"No, there's one left!" Hinata calls from the ground. "You just missed the heart by inches!"

But Sakura is already charging forward, sliding into a crouch and kicking outward with her right leg. One of the spikes is shattered all the way through and begins to topple. She has it in her hands then, balancing the enormous slab of condensed mud, and brings it down hard on the left side of the giant's chest.

The beast gives one last screech and twitch, and then goes still.

The three of them wait, panting, for yet another wave of enemies to come at them, but it is utterly silent in the echoing chamber now.

Konohamaru lets out a breath and leans on his knees. "Oh, man, what a relief…I don't think I could do anymore!"

Hinata and Sakura glance at each other, and smile.

"I must look a real mess," Hinata says, anxiously pushing a blood-slicked lock of hair behind her ear. "I hope I don't make Boruto and Naruto worry, thinking I'm hurt."

"You look fine," Sakura grins. "I've seen much worse. And they know you better than to think _that_ could hurt you."

"Hm." Hinata nods. "Alright, let's go."

They start toward the rickety staircase, and something occurs to Konohamaru.

"Hey—hey, wait! I have a name for that combo you guys used: The Boss Lady Stream!"

"Not now, Konohamaru…"

つづく

* * *

 _Hope you enjoyed it! Also, this is the last Interlude before the end of the story. Gasp! I know! Who knew this story was ever going to end?! But as of right now, I've got five chapters and an epilogue outlined. Of course, when I predict how many chapter I always tend to be a little off, and I really like the idea of having the fic be 40 chapters in total (including prologue, interludes and epilogues), but we'll see…_

 _If you enjoy my writing, I encourage you to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu), where you can find information about reading my original, non-fandom work._

 _栗_


	5. I In Noble Tradition

**Summary:** Kakashi is just one in a long line of Hokage that can't keep his friends and students in line. A romp through the history of Konoha, with cameos from Kage past.

 **Warning:** Very crackish.

 **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU

* * *

 _Kakashi looks at the three of them in turn, and then lets his head fall into his hands. "None of the other Hokage had to deal with this."_

 _"Well, actually—"_

 _"Don't, Lioness, just don't," Kakashi groans, straightening up._

 _一_

"Madara," Hashirama Senju starts quietly— _calmly_ , he thinks—and then promptly forgets what to say.

His best friend lifts an eyebrow in irritating, mocking challenge that makes him want to punch him in his smug Uchiha face, and sits back, arms folded in front of him.

Hashirama exhales through his nose, counts to ten, and begins again.

"Madara, you cannot set people on fire just because they say something you don't like."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Bullshit."

"Whatever he said happened is a lie. You know he has it out for me."

"And I know you would like nothing more than to bash his head in with your _gunbai_."

"Well, you said it, not me," Madara shrugs, looking bored.

"If the other nations see this infighting amongst us, they're going to think we're not united. We can't have anymore—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…"

"You know you need to apologise."

"I don't know anything of the sort."

"If you don't apologise, I'm telling Mito."

"…Fine," he grumbles after several seconds. "The next time I see him."

"Good."

"When I get back from Iwagakure."

There's a knock at the door of Hashirama's chambers, and he smirks at Madara. "I wonder who that could be— _come in!_ "

His best friend glowers. "You're an ass."

The door slides open and Tobirama Senju enters, sporting several bandages and a face painted almost completely with burn cream. His eyes twitch at the sight of Madara, but he then turns to his brother and bows. "Lord Hokage."

"Oh, knock it off with the protocol," Hashirama waves impatiently. "Madara has something he wants to say to you."

"I very much doubt that." The Hokage narrows his eyes and his brother clenches his jaw. "Fine. I will listen. What does the scumbag want this time?"

"Isn't there a rule about speaking to your elders more respectfully?" Madara sniffs.

"Isn't there a rule about keeping you away from sane people?"

"Tobirama…"

"Hm, five seconds. The last time it took you a good deal longer to get annoyed enough to insult me," Madara muses, examining his nails. "I'm disappointed. It seems your tolerance is wearing."

"Did you have something of value to share, or did you just want to give me a seminar on my habits?"

"I have no doubt you could use one…"

"…Madara!"

"You have something to say to me, Uchiha?"

"I have something to say about your mother."

"A - _hem,"_ Hashirama interjects pointedly.

His best friend considers him, and in a grudging voice mumbles, "…What a nice, honorable lady."

"Nice save, asshole. You're lucky I don't teleport you to the middle of an ocean to drow," Tobirama growls.

"Bring it, you little—!"

"Children," Hashirama mumbles to himself. "Grown men—warriors!—and they're like children. The world is doomed if either one of you ever ends up in a position of power…"

 _二_

"What happened to the bridge?"

Tobirama keeps his voice carefully level, trying to ignore the throbbing in his temple and the need to flex his fingers. Possibly around his students' necks.

"Uh…it was an accident?"

"Hiruzen, missing a target is an accident. That bridge looks like a tornado hit it. And I don't use the word tornado lightly."

"I told him not to do it," Koharu says. "The idiot wouldn't listen."

"Hey, it wasn't my fault! Homura distracted me while I was trying to take aim."

"I sneezed."

"It was distracting!"

"A shinobi should be able to focus around even the most inconvenient disruptions," Koharu recites dutifully.

"A shinobi should also inform her teacher when her teammates are about to alert the enemy to their position and get them all killed," Tobirama lectures.

"Well, I didn't actually think he'd miss."

"And Homura couldn't?"

"He was asleep," Hiruzen snorts. "Hence why I was surprised when he sneezed."

"You three do realise we're in the middle of a war, yes?" Tobirama asks through clenched teeth. "The enemy will be here within minutes because now they know our—"

 _Thwack!_

He is cut off by an arrow lodging itself in his shoulder.

The four of them stare up the mountain incline at the wall of dozens of shinobi headed their way.

"…position," Tobirama finishes, yanking the arrow out.

"That's…a lot of Amenin," Hiruzen murmurs.

"If we live through this, I'm going to make the rest of your life miserable," Koharu informs him primly.

 _If any of you live through this, Konoha is doomed_ , Tobirama thinks, taking a guard position and preparing to meet a slew of angry Amenin head-on.

三

Hiruzen and his team are tied to four posts, baking in the sun several dozen miles from Suna. The desert sand rustles around them, and his mouth is already dry.

"Explain it to me again," he says slowly. _So that I can possibly find a way to salvage this trip and keep us out of another war._

"Hearing it again won't change the outcome," Orochimaru points out, looking disgustingly unruffled against his post.

"Jiraiya hit the Kazekage."

"Of course he did," Hiruzen groans, craning his neck to glare over at the only individual in their group to remain unconscious. Jiraiya is sagging against his post, a line of drool dangling from his mouth.

"It was either incredibly stupid, or incredibly brave and stupid all rolled into one," Tsunade goes on. "I mean, the other guy was talking about sacrificing half of our people on something that _might_ work. I don't care how good a strategist he is, that's crap. And of course, _I_ couldn't hit him, because then he's be dead…"

"How nice of you to show some restraint…"

"You do have a lot of anger bottled up inside you," Orochimaru points out. "I recommend a good bit of therapy. Of course, activities that involve sharp objects or fire might be more to your preference."

"Would you shut up and do your creepy, bending thing so that we can get out of here?" Tsunade snaps.

"I would, except the same chakra suppressors keeping you from using your strength or keeping Sarutobi-sensei from using a simple _Nawanuke_ are currently binding me. It seems we're destined to die here."

"Don't sound so happy about that!"

"On the contrary, I'm quite bothered. My constitution is better than all of yours, so I'll not only have to watch you all die, but I'll be stuck here with the smell of your rotting corpses long before I too succumb to heat stroke and starvation." He pauses, and then offers Hiruzen an approximation of an apologetic look. "My apologises, sensei. If it makes you feel any better, if I do get free after you all perish, I'll eat Jiraiya first."

Tsunade's turns green beneath her sunburn.

"No one's eating Jiraiya!" Hiruzen snaps. Even though he knows that Orochimaru is just being a little shit and would never actually do something so disgusting (he's about eighty-seven percent sure, anyhow), he isn't in the mood for the young man's particular brand of humour.

"Mmm…Tsunade can eat Jiraiya," the white-haired youth mumbles in his sleep.

The three others freeze for a moment. This time it's Orochimaru who looks disgusted, while Tsunade's eye twitches. Hiruzen suspects that now, even if they get out of this predicament, only three of them will be returning home.

Hiruzen groans in frustration.

This is the last time. From now on, no Hokage is allowed to appoint their former genin squad as escorts, no matter how talented their ANBU commanders say they are. He's going to make a fucking public ordinance about it.

 _四_

Minato stares up at his only surviving student, trying to figure out exactly what to say at this point. Kakashi is sitting in the upper branch of a tree, eyes rivetted on the orange book in his hand.

"About that mission to Kiri—"

"Keep walking, sensei," Kakashi says without looking up, idly turning a page.

 _Well…I tried,_ Minato thinks with a sigh and continues on his way back home.

 _五_

"What the hell is going on?!"

"I…I don't know!"

"What happened!" Tsunade barks, stalking into the laboratory, where Shizune is scrubbing at a goopy green mess. The lab is an utter mess of scorch marks and still smoking furniture.

"I don't know! I didn't do anything!"

"None of the ingredients are flammable! How could this happen?!"

"I don't know, Lady Tsunade, one minute everything was fine, and the next— _whoosh!"_

"Oink!" Tonton agrees fearfully.

"Where's Sakura?" she demands.

"Behind you," a familiar voice says, and Tsunade whirls around. Her second student is leaning calmly in the doorway.

"Why weren't you here to help her? You know this is a tricky antidote. I _told_ you both it was a difficult one!"

"I had an errand to run," Sakura says apologetically.

"And what errand is more important than listening to your master's instructions?!"

"Making sure the village is running smoothly, of course," Sakura beams. "Shizune said you were behind on your paperwork. And it's possible you've been distracted by a certain something lately."

From behind her back she removes a familiar looking, hard-won bottle of aged whiskey.

Tsunade winces.

 _Damn it, I thought I hid that better!_

"Sakura, put that down," she orders.

"Maybe I will," the young woman says seriously, and then adopt a curious look. "But first, you have to tell me what the difference is between putting something down, and _dropping_ it."

"If you drop it, I will break your bones into millions of pieces."

"But _shishou_ , if you do that, you can't hear my words of wisdom—and you know, you really want to listen to me."

"About as much as I'd like to move to Tetsu and learn kabuki."

"I hear Tetsu is very beautiful this time of year. They have ice castles."

"Oink!"

"Is this the wrong time to mention I think this thing might developing sentience?" Shizune asks nervously.

She now appears to be battling some kind of goopy green chakra monster.

Tsunade looks between her two apprentices, and then lets her forehead fall into her hands. "That's it. I'm breaking the world now."

終わり

* * *

 _Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site._

 **栗**


	6. V Ten Centimetres

**Summary:** The joy [not really] of [inducing] natural childbirth.

 **Warning:** Very crackish. All of this would probably never happen…especially because Sakura is a doctor…but hey, it's a crack piece, it doesn't have to make sense, right?

 **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** AU 'verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU. Sakura and Sasuke still left the village to travel together.

* * *

"I think you should paint my toenails," Sakura says to him one day, apropos of nothing.

Sasuke glances over the top of his newspaper and raises an eyebrow at her. "Why?"

"Because I can't reach them."

"No, why would anyone bother to paint their toenails?"

Sakura pouts, already round cheeks puffing out in annoyance. "The baby wants you to paint my toenails."

"The baby is going to learn that people don't always get everything they want," Sasuke replies, going back to his paper. "It's called parenting."

"The baby also controls whether you ever have sex again."

Sasuke puts the paper down and frowns at her.

"Just saying," Sakura goes on innocently.

"At some point that threat is going to stop being effective."

"You're a man. It will never stop being effective."

"I managed twenty years without sex."

"The first half don't count, you didn't have a sex drive," she dismisses. "And the last ten don't either because your brain was hardwired to reject anything even remotely pleasant. I bet you hated sunshine and rainbows and puppies, too."

They frown at each other for a full minute before Sasuke sighs and gets to his feet. Dutifully, he heads to the corner of the room where Sakura's travel pack sits and begins to rummage through for her makeup kit.

"The green polish, please!" she chirps happily from behind him.

うちは

She's not nearly as happy a week later, when Sasuke brings her to the nearest hospital to check on the baby. At thirty-five weeks, she has long since lost her patience over her size, inability to sleep, constant trips to the bathroom and general discomfort.

"I demand that this child be evacuated from my womb, immediately," she tells the nurse who is on-call when they arrive for their appointment.

The tiny woman's eyes widen, and she stares at Sakura in nervous disbelief. "Uh…Lady Sakura…you know that isn't how it works…"

"I don't know that that's something that I know," she retorts firmly. "Induce me. The baby's ready to come out. I know, because she told me."

The nurse shoots a worried glance at Sasuke, who simply says, "Perhaps a prescription to help her sleep?"

"No, I don't want to sleep, I want a baby. Prescribe me a baby," Sakura insists, pointing to her enlarged stomach. "There's one in here."

"Lady Sakura, you're not dilated enough to go into labour," the kind-faced doctor says, looking up from where he's been examining the file the nurse prepared for him.

"I'm close enough," Sakura insists. "Two and a half centimetres. I made Sasuke check this morning."

The doctor gives him an incredulous look, and when Sasuke nods wearily, the expression turns sympathetic.

"You know that's not enough," the doctor tells her gently. "It will be a little longer yet, you just have to be patient. Just…enjoy the last few days you have of being so intimately connected to your baby. The next few weeks will bring their own difficulties."

Sakura nods at this, smiling at the man, and then indicates that he come closer. Before Sasuke can warn him, she's clutching the doctor's shirt and bringing him close to her face.

"I can shatter mountains with my pinky," she tells him sweetly. "Are you _sure_ there's nothing you can do?"

"L-L-Let me find you a pamphlet about natural methods of inducing l-l-labour," the man stammers.

うちは

"I still don't see how this is going to work," Sasuke says, sitting cross-legged in their room at the inn while Sakura devours her sixth pineapple. Several shopping bags are spread out amongst their belongings, various ingredients from the list the doctor gave her lying akimbo.

"My mouth feels funny," Sakura says instead of answering. "Does my tongue look fuzzy?"

She sticks it out at him.

"It looks like a tongue."

"You no hepp," she grumbles, and then retracts her tongue. A strange expression crosses her face.

"Sakura?"

"Help me up!" she cries, and Sasuke scrambles to do as she says.

"Is it the baby—?"

"Ugh, move!" she groans, clutching her stomach and waddling to the door as fast as she can. "I need a toilet!"

She doesn't bother closing the shoji as she scrambles to the bathroom.

Sasuke sighs and reaches for the list, discarded among her items. He wonders what other insanity she intends to try…

うちは

At first, Sakura is somewhat reasonable about the whole thing, sticking to the edible remedies.

"The methods which have the least amount of physical and chemical impact are the best," she tells him, before pinching her nose shut and drinking castor oil straight from the bottle ("It can stimulate uterine contractions!"). And again when she downs an entire pot of raspberry leaf tea ("I don't care if I have to go to the bathroom all day, this is going to work!"). And as she munches away at several pieces of black liquorice. ("This is disgusting. I can't believe you would eat this by _choice_.")

Sasuke wonders what exactly her definition of 'impact' is.

The next day they try spicy food.

Sasuke frowns down at his curry, thinking it isn't hot enough for his liking, while Sakura sits beside him making faces and sputtering.

"You're going to give yourself heartburn," he tells her helpfully.

"Too late," she croaks, tears streaming down her cheeks.

うちは

Sasuke puts his foot down around the time she tries clary sage oil.

"But some women into labour just from _smelling_ it!" she protests an hour later, scratching desperately at the hives breaking out over her skin while Sasuke contemptuously throws the canister out the window.

"And some women instead turn into a human cactus pear," he retorts, pointedly grabbing her fingers to keep her from scratching. He's surprised that the only resistance he gets from her is a feeble whine of protest, and not a shove that pushes him through the walls of their room. "This has to end. You're not eating anything else that will make you sick."

"It's not making me sick, it's just not working," she answers mutinously, trying to scratch her ear with her shoulder.

He rolls his eyes and grumbles. "Honestly, you're supposed to be a medic…"

うちは

They pass by a playground, and Sakura considers the seesaws in speculation.

"Darling—"

"No."

"But—"

"No!"

"The up-and-down movement might help—"

"NO!"

"Hmph… Just for that, you will change every dirty diaper when the baby's born…"

うちは

One day he walks into their room to find her sitting on the bed, her shirt off and methodically rubbing the nipples of her larger-than-usual breasts.

He stares.

"Why are you doing that?" he asks after several seconds of trying to decide if he's actually seeing what he thinks he's seeing.

"Stimulation of the areoles can cause a release of oxytocin, which can cause contractions in the uterus and start labour," she informs him unblushingly.

He watches her for another minute or so, and then clears his throat.

"I should do that for you," he tells her, beginning to shrug off his cloak.

Sakura grins at him knowingly.

"You know, I also read that sex can be helpful," she goes on, wide-eyed with innocence that he knows is just artifice. "Semen contains prostaglandins that can soften the cervix."

For the first time since they've been married, he hesitates over the possibility of sex. "It won't hurt the baby?"

"With all the cushioning I've got going here?" she deadpans, patting her large stomach. "Not a chance."

"Hn…"

"Of course, from what I've read, it says we'd have to do it like six times in a row for it work," she goes on absently. "I'm not sure if we're up for that…"

Sasuke shoots her an insulted look.

Well, now he's going to take that as a challenge…

うちは

"This isn't working," Sakura says the next morning.

"I thought it was," Sasuke replies, lying back with his arms behind his head and unable to keep the smug tone out of his voice.

"Oh, shut up," his wife mutters, and he glances to one side to watch her struggle to turn over and face him. The ordeal reminds him of a turtle trying to turn over, but he wisely says nothing.

She makes several unsuccessful attempts to grab the pamphlet from beside their bed before he takes pity on her, snatching the piece of paper and then tapping her forehead with it. He's being unconscionably affectionate, but most men would be after six orgasms.

Sakura scrunches her nose at the pamphlet. "You know…I'm starting to think this advice was written by a man."

うちは

"Let's spar," Sakura suggests another time, after reading about how strenuous physical activity.

Sasuke doesn't even dignify that with a response, causing her to throw a giant boulder at him in retribution.

He dodges, of course, but he doesn't appreciate it.

 _Honestly, if she doesn't have this baby soon, I'm not sure I'm going to survive it…_

うちは

Sakura lies on her side, back to him and shoulders shaking.

"I'm fat," she sniffles, "and I can't move…and I always have to pee…and I'm going to be like this _forever_ because the baby doesn't ever want to _leave_."

Sasuke says nothing, at this stage of thinks knowing there is absolutely nothing he _can_ say to make her feel better. Instead, he lies in place and gently rubs his hand up and down her spine.

"What if I'm pregnant forever?"

"You know that's biologically impossible."

"Technically so is breathing fire and jumping through time and space," she returns sullenly.

"What?"

"Nothing."

They lie in silence together for several minutes, and then suddenly Sasuke freezes. The bedding is suddenly soaked, and he groans against the back of Sakura's head. It's not the first time her bladder has given out since the beginning of her pregnancy, but it's still unpleasant.

"I'll get some towels—" he begins, but her hand snatches backward to grab his.

"Sasuke!" she whispers, astonishment and joy and anxiety in her voice. "My water just broke!"

Sasuke pauses a beat to make sure he just heard correctly, and then exhales in relief.

"Thank fuck," he says, scooping her up out of the bed. "Come on, we're going to the hospital."

"Sasuke, I'm pretty sure I can walk—"

"Not fast enough," he insists. "We have a baby that needs to be evacuated from your womb, for the sake of both out sanity."

If he uses the Rinnegan to transport them instantly to the delivery room, she's good enough not to say anything about it.

終わり

* * *

 _Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site._

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